If you are experiencing communication breakdowns, friction, tension, repetitive arguments and emotional distance in your intercultural relationship or marriage, you should keep reading.

Resentment is more than just feeling frustrated or annoyed – it’s a powerful & sneaky emotion that can quietly eat away at even the strongest relationships.

5 Ways to Check for Resentment

Resentment Check-In: Questions You Can Ask Yourself

• What emotions am I feeling most often toward my partner? Are they overall negative, or overall positive? What parts are negative? Why?
• Do I catch myself withdrawing or avoiding certain talks? Why?
• Are there needs or expectations I haven’t shared? What is stopping me from sharing?
• How do I explain my frustrations within the relationship? Do I express them at all? Do I shut down? Have I been clear about my expectations & needs?
• Am I ready to acknowledge my vulnerabilities and start healing with my partner? Am I willing to do the work it’ll take to truly move past resentment?

Where Resentment Often Comes From

Resentment often takes root in unmet needs and unfulfilled expectations in your marriage/relationship. Maybe you hoped your partner would understand you better or share the same values, but instead you’re left feeling unheard, taken for granted, or misunderstood.

A common one is one partner feeling like they’re carrying a lot more of the relationship’s responsibilities than the other. Or one partner dealing with a breach in trust from the other.

Why Resentment can cause even more problems in Intercultural Relationships

Intercultural relationships can be extra fertile ground for resentment, especially if there are cultural differences in expectations, traditions, religious observations and communication styles. What seems normal in one culture may be perceived as disrespectful in another, or you may have different beliefs around certain holidays or traditions.

In intercultural couples with kids, resentment often grows fast when one parent feels like they’re sacrificing their cultural or religious identity for the other parent’s.

What do you do when One Partner Is Resentful?

When one partner harbors resentment, it automatically creates tension in the relationship – and whether you’d prefer to admit it or not, or whether you identify it as resentment or not, you know something isn’t right.

The resentful partner may withdraw emotionally, become critical, or start behaving differently. This usually leads to communication breakdowns and emotional distance in the relationship, which is what you then start fighting about, instead of the actual underlying issues causing all of those symptoms.

When Both Partners Are Resentful

If both partners are resentful but for different reasons, it’s like navigating a minefield of unspoken tension, especially because each person feels justified in their resentment, which further complicates communication and connection.

This scenario often leads to a cycle of blame and defensiveness, making it difficult to address the root causes of resentment.

Why Resentment Is Hard to Detect

Nobody is sitting around saying to themselves – ‘yeah man, i’m just SO RESENTFUL’ – what you’re feeling is masquerading as other emotions like frustration, irritation, or indifference.

It’s hard to admit that you’re holding onto resentment because it requires acknowledging your own vulnerabilities and needs, which is super uncomfortable for a lot of you.

So instead, you justify your feelings within everyday excuses and stories like work being busy and the kids taking up all your time, overlooking what’s happening to your relationship.

A Different Perspective: Resentment is about YOU, not the person you’re resentful of

Here’s the thing—resentment is a reflection of your beliefs, expectations, and self-worth.

It’s about how well you communicate your needs to yourself and your partner, and how well you both fulfill them.

If you feel resentful, it’s a sign that something within you needs attention & healing.

Even if you’re experiencing resentment based on something really difficult to deal with, like infidelity or financial mismanagement, it’s important that you acknowledge and monitor your own beliefs, behaviors and choices and not just point the blame at your partner.

1. Know Your Expectations: Be clear about your needs and desires within the relationship – not knowing what they are can get you in trouble
2. Talk, Like for Real: Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings – even if they don’t share as much, you can make sure you express yourself
3. Revisit Your Choices: If you decide to stay after a breach of trust or if your needs are continuously unfulfilled, you may need to reassess your expectations moving forward.
4. Take Ownership: Recognize your role and pay attention to your behavior – are there things you could be doing differently to help the situation?
5. Get Help: Consider couples coaching or therapy to navigate underlying issues and heal together.

THE TRUTH about Healing from Resentment

Here’s the truth you probably haven’t heard before. But it’s what I know from years of holding resentment, having resentment held against me, healing from it and helping my clients heal from it – RESENTMENT IN A RELATIONSHIP CANNOT BE HEALED ALONE.

First of all it requires you to be really self-aware and admit that there may be some feelings of resentment affecting your relationship.

Then it takes vulnerability, truth-seeking, truth-telling, open dialogue, empathy, and a mutual commitment to exploring your own & each other’s beliefs, feelings & perspectives.

This is where couples coaching can really help.

Because if you don’t do the work, the healing will never happen.