You’ve probably heard about self-talk—how we speak to ourselves internally—but have you ever considered how our beliefs and feelings about ourselves and our partners shape the way we communicate with them?
What is Relationship Talk?
Relationship Talk is a term I’ve developed to describe the unique way we communicate with our partners, influenced by our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions about ourselves, and them. It’s like a personalized language we share exclusively with our partner, evolving over time based on our experiences, expectations and perceptions.
Your RELATIONSHIP TALK changes depending on your Partner
Think about the last relationship you were in. Notice how your communication style varies with different partners?
That’s because your relationship talk is based on a what you believe about yourself and what you believe about your partner. It’s also based on what specific things that partner either triggers, nurtures or fulfills for you, which obviously will be different depending on who that particular partner is.
How Relationship Talk actually Works in Your Relationship
Relationship talk isn’t static; it evolves as our beliefs and feelings change.
In the early stages of your relationship, your usually view your partner through a more positive lens, focusing on their strengths and potential, choosing to ignore some of their weaknesses and the things that will eventually annoy you. This optimism-bias influences us to be more positive, upbeat, excited and hopeful in our communication. This builds trust, admiration, respect, safety and love.
However, as you spend more time together, reality settles in, and you start to actually encounter some of life’s challenges and obstacles, your beliefs shift. You start noticing more flaws and behaviors you don’t like that trigger doubts & concerns. So this changes how you express yourself & interact with your partner, creating communication that is leans more towards criticism, defensiveness, silence and emotional withdrawal.
Why Knowing Your Relationship Talk Matters
Understanding your relationship talk is crucial because it reveals underlying beliefs and emotions that influence your interactions. When you’re unaware of your relationship talk style, you may not fully grasp how you feel about yourself, or your partner and why.
And you certainly don’t recognize the specific triggers that are affecting how you communicate.
By becoming aware of your relationship talk patterns, you gain insight into your relationship dynamics. You can identify areas for growth, address underlying issues, and strengthen your awareness of yourself, and your connection with your partner.
How to Explore Your Relationship Talk
Exploring your relationship talk starts with self-reflection. Take time to examine your beliefs about yourself and your partner. Ask yourself:
- What do I truly believe about myself? How does that fit into my expectations of me? Of what I believe others expect of me?
- How does where I am right now in my life fit into where I wanted to/hoped to/planned to be by now?
- How do I perceive my partner? How does that fit into my expectations of them?
- What are my personal issues with my partner? With our relationship? Why are these issues for me?
- What beliefs & emotions do I associate with our relationship?
- How do these beliefs and emotions influence my communication?
The Importance of Self-Awareness in Communication
Self-awareness really is the key to everything in life, and the same goes here. In order to experience the kind of relationship you actually want, it’s crucial that you understand your own needs, desires, insecurities, weaknesses, fears, and get clear on if your communication style with yourself and with your partner is working.
Just talking about things together isn’t enough to actually resolve the hard issues that inevitably come up in relationships.
Here’s What Healthy Relationship Talk Looks Like
You know you have healthy Relationship Talk when you’re able to navigate any conflict that comes up constructively, without devolving into yelling or insulting or leaving or silence or slamming doors.
It involves using effective communication strategies that work for the two of you specifically, to address conflicts respectfully and openly, to express genuine feelings of affection and gratitude, even if vulnerability is a challenge, to nurture a strong sense of understanding and empathy for each other’s stories, experiences and needs within the relationship.
Healthy Relationship Talk fosters an relationship that stands on mutual respect, emotional intimacy, and a real connection between both of you.
How Coaching Can Help
Coaching with me offers culturally-focused techniques that take into account your specific cultural conditioning, which significantly influences how you communicate and relate in relationships. By understanding and respecting your cultural background, I provide support and guidance to help you repair broken Relationship Talk in a safe, structured and empathetic environment.
And the more beneficial part is that we emphasize personal strategies that work for you and your specific challenges.
It’s never a one-size-fits-all solution.
Coaching together, you’ll explore tailored approaches to communication, conflict resolution, and relationship building that align with your cultural values, identity & needs, allowing you to build a relationship dynamic that works for you both, and to develop a style of Relationship Talk that brings you together, rather than drives you apart.
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