You’re probably not as great at communication as you think you are (respectfully…)
The majority of my clients are convinced that their partner is the reason for their communication issues -and that they themselves are GREAT COMMUNICATORS, which they often then disprove minutes into our session, as I watch the communication break down – often because of them.
Effective communication is actually more complicated than you realize, and like most things, it requires a lot of honesty, self-awareness & practice.
Let me break it down.
COMMUNICATION ISN’T JUST ABOUT THE WORDS YOU SAY, THE TONE YOU USE, OR THE VOLUME OF YOUR VOICE.
It’s about the clarity of your message, the empathy in your delivery, and the actions that follow your words.
Communication really is an art, because being good at it requires you to be able to be fluid and flexible, adjusting how you communicate depending on who you’re communicating with – something I call RELATIONSHIP TALK.
YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING CLEAR, BUT YOU’RE NOT.
Having the experience you actually desire in your relationship has a lot to do with how effectively you’re communicating (or not) your needs, desires, and expectations.
A lot of you that think you’re communicating clearly think so because you’re someone who:
- Talks a lot – saying a lot of words or being willing to talk, doesn’t mean you’re saying the right words
- Doesn’t yell, raise your voice or lose control; your tone & intent matter, but it doesn’t matter if you’re not communicating your needs clearly
- “Has no problem with conflict”; communication isn’t only about resolving conflict – communication is about expressing needs, sharing stories, taking action and connecting
ARE YOU JUST REALLY TOLERANT, OR ARE YOU ACTUALLY FULFILLED?
Here’s the thing. A lot of you are communicating, but only enough to get results you can tolerate. And then you normalize toleration, not realizing that it’s your lack of communication with yourself (honesty & awareness about what you really want), AND your lack of communication with your partner, that’s preventing you from really getting what you want & need.
Recognizing the difference is important, because if you settle for what you can tolerate rather than learning how to clearly advocate for what you truly need or want, you’ll inevitably end up feeling unfulfilled and resentful in the long run.
In relationships, both partners are supposed to share the responsibility of understanding and meeting each other’s needs. But what they don’t tell you is that whether your needs are met or not is largely dependent on how effectively you communicate them, and they receive them.
COMMUNICATION IN INTERRACIAL & INTERCULTURAL RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES IS EVEN MORE COMPLEX
Being in an interracial or intercultural relationship makes communication even more complex between partners. Differences in what was taught culturally in terms of expressing feelings, beliefs about roles in the relationship, traditional differences and mismatched values can lead to misunderstandings that contribute to feelings of unfulfillment or unresolved conflicts
It’s especially important for couples in intercultural relationships to pay attention to the effectiveness of their communication and learn to navigate differences with empathy, patience, and a willingness to bridge cultural gaps.
- Non-verbal Communication Differences: Cultural norms influence gestures, body language, and facial expressions. Misinterpreting these cues is common and can cause misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
- Differing Cultural Values: Each partner brings their own set of values and expectations based on their cultural background. This can affect views on family, gender roles, conflict resolution, and more. Navigating these differences requires understanding and compromise.
- Language Barriers: If partners speak different native languages or have varying language skills, it can be tough to express complex thoughts or emotions clearly. This can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
5 SIGNS YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY COMMUNICATING AS WELL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE:
YOU CAN’T FIND RESOLUTION ON GRIDLOCKED ISSUES
Gridlocked issues are those issues in a relationship that come up over and over again and never get fully resolved (or resolved at all). When you consistently argue about the same things or have the same issues come up repeatedly in your relationship, it’s pretty clear that you have gridlocked issues, which makes it pretty clear that you also have some communication issues. Effective communication involves actively addressing & working through issues and gridlocked issues, even if the resolution is having an understanding of the other person’s position or opinion, or acceptance even if you don’t necessarily agree.
YOU’RE STILL UNFULFILLED
You know when you’re filled up, satisfied and getting what you need. But sometimes you don’t know when you’re not. So it’s not actually that surprising that so many of you tolerate feeling unfulfilled.
(Lack of fulfillment can look like a lot of different things like – feeling unappreciated, feeling like you do more than your partner, having different values/goals, emotional distance or detachment, boredom and a lack of passion, etc)
It’s been pretty normalized to believe that relationships lose excitement & passion, but being bored for a season is very different than not having important needs met, or not seeing growth together. Consistently feeling an underlying lack of fulfillment in a relationship can be a strong indicator of communication challenges that may not be as obvious as you think.
You may think you’re conveying your needs, but if they’re not being met, then you have to investigate where the gap is – maybe how you’re communicating isn’t connecting for your partner.
YOU WALK ON EGGSHELLS OR WORRY ABOUT ROCKING THE BOAT
Even if you think you’re someone who’s comfortable saying what you think & feel, finding yourself hesitant to express your genuine feelings or needs out of fear of your partner’s reaction, is a clear sign of underlying communication issues. In healthy relationships, communication should feel safe & transparent, and shouldn’t produce too much anxiety.
Feeling the need to tread carefully suggests that you may have unresolved tensions or uncertainties about how your partner will respond.
YOU MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET EACH OTHER, A LOT
If you find that you run into frequent misunderstandings or that you tend to misinterpret each other, there is a lack of clarity in your communication. Different communication styles, different levels of self-awareness, different comfort levels with vulnerability & expressing feelings, different expectations can all contribute to confusion, a lack of understanding, frustration and overall friction in the relationship.
YOU LOW-KEY EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO READ YOUR MIND
Assuming that your partner should intuitively understand your needs or expectations without directly & explicitly talking about them, is a huge, but common problem in relationships. SO many of you are afraid to tell your partner what you really want to say, but are expecting them to somehow just know – and then you get frustrated and upset when things do go as you want.
If you can’t transparently share your needs, your desires and your limits & boundaries, you’re leaving a lot of room for unspoken assumptions that lead to unmet expectations and turn into disappointment and then resentment.
YOU THINK NOT HAVING CONFLICT MEANS YOU HAVE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
Not having conflict or difficult conversations in your relationship does not equal good or healthy communication. Yes, avoidance might seem like a good way to maintain peace, but it often masks deeper issues of broken communication, unresolved resentment and lack of trust – and prevents you from finding genuine resolution and connection.
You may be good at communication, but you may not be effective at communicating with your partner. There is a big difference, and recognizing it is the difference between a happy and fulfilling relationship and one that slowly starts to drift apart.
By first accepting that communication might be broken in your relationship, and then acknowledging the complex nuances that makes communication effective —such as clarity, empathy, and understanding—you can bridge the gap between your intentions and your partner’s perceptions. It’s about more than just talking; it’s about truly connecting on a deeper level so you both can get what you need & want from each other and from the relationship.
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