My client K preferred to blame the communication issues in his relationship on his wife, R.

He was convinced that because he remained pretty even-tempered, and would stay to talk things out during arguments, while she was one who would raise her voice, or say she was good, and then restart the argument a few hours later – that the problem was her.

RENAISSANCE

In RENAISSANCE, my 6-month couples coaching experience, we start with a 3-month hybrid of solo & couples coaching sessions.

On week A, each individual comes solo to coach on their own stuff, while on week B, they coach together as a couple.

This allows each partner soooo much space to vent, explore, complain, investigate, admit, gain clarity and say the things you don’t want to say in front of your partner…(you know what I mean…)

Unlike in traditional therapy, where you often end up rehashing old arguments, or waiting to get a turn while one partner tries to figure their own stuff out, in RENAISSANCE, when you come together as a couple, your progress is accelerated because the work you’re doing individually, allows you both to be able to work on the relationship from a clearer, more aligned place.

IN OUR 3RD SOLO SESSION, K HAD AN EPIPHANY.

As an African–American man who had a strained relationship with his mother, and a father who had put tremendous emphasis on external success, K had built himself an internal system full of high expectations, perfectionism, non-stop performance, and little tolerance for other people’s errors.

He realized that his constant need to do better & achieve more was getting translated internally as critical, angry, frustrated self-talk, full of shame – and there weren’t many warm, fuzzy feelings happening.

What he hadn’t realized is that same pressure he was putting on himself, he was also putting on his marriage.

THE REVELATION

Suddenly, it all made sense…the high expectations he put on R, the shortness & impatience with which he talked to her, the distance he had allowed to creep in…

Their communication had gone from loving and safe to detached and defensive.

(*This is called RELATIONSHIP TALK – the exclusive way we communicate with our partner)

K came to realize that his wife’s tendency to revisit arguments stemmed from her feeling unheard, so things were going unresolved.

Even though he hung around during arguments and didn’t raise his voice – his high expectations, short, stubborn answers, unwillingness to hear her opinions, and his dismissive or overly-logical solutions, just frustrated R even more.

Relationship Talk is powerful. And it defines the health & effectiveness of your communication.

This breakthrough allowed K and R to explore their expectations of themselves and each other, to begin to actually listen to each other, learn more about each other’s sensitivities and triggers, validate emotions and collaborate on solutions more efficiently.

“After working with you we actually learned how to talk. It sound so ridiculous, though. I really needed that time alone in solo sessions to figure out what was really going on with me. ‘Cause I want to be with her, I just was so frustrated and exhausted that I didn’t have any energy or patience left for the bullshit so I just shut down. Now I know how to find the space to think through my own thoughts, she knows to give me that space, and we have better ways of bringing up the hard stuff. Our arguments are like half, and they don’t get bad anymore.”

K is a great example of what’s possible when you have the right space, time & support to do the work on yourself that’s necessary to do the work on the relationship.

Working on YOU is what actually prepares you both for productive couples coaching. Otherwise you’ll be going in circles for a much longe time.

K & R’s journey & success in RENAISSANCE are a testament of how investing in self-discovery and doing the work to change & grow, can lead to a completely transformative outcome in your relationship.